The one with the Orgasm
We start with a question, have you ever faked an orgasm? We both have read a book by Emily Nagoski called Come as You Are” which helped inform this episode. How do you know if you’ve had an orgasm? For Alex it was all about the partner and recalling different experiences.
Do you think that orgasm is over rated or under rated? It depends on the perspective of the person. And sex does not equal orgasm for more than 50% of women. Female pleasure is underrated. It’s not talked about, or shared to find out what might or might not be “normal”.
Anatomically, we all have the same parts. The head of the penis is the same as the female clitoris. Everyone has the same parts organized in different ways. Penetration is convenient for males and makes them orgasm but it is harder for women. Anatomically, women’s most sensitive parts are outside the body. Addressing any of these issues with your partner is a very difficult.
Sandy shares a deeply personal story about being raped as a teenager and how that has informed and triggered her ideas about sex the rest of her life. Context is huge, Sandy has had to regain control and get comfortable again. Expecting to have an orgasm with someone during penetration sex, the expectation was too much to handle.
Alex has been on a journey of boldness and trying to empower women to build confidence. Life stressors and events can truly impact your intimacy. What your body carries with you.
The narrowest definition of an orgasm is a contraction of the pelvic floor. However, generally it is a release of sexual tension and orgasms for even the same person can differ wildly depending on the circumstances. The postpartum work that we do with women is also meant to improve their intimacy and orgasms. The exercise and specifically breath work and core and pelvic floor strength drastically improved sexual pleasure and orgasms for Alex. The postpartum work we do creates confidence for a woman in their body, making the mind body connection. Understanding yourself and your own body and pleasure should be a priority, accepting yourself after traumatic events including childbirth.
Arousal non-concordance is when your body is responding but your mind isn’t wanting the intimacy or the other way around. Your brain doesn’t match the physical response. Desire and arousal are different for men and women. Men experience desire and then immediate arousal whereas women need the arousal first to feel the desire. When you think that sex is bad it can stop someone from feeling pleasure.
So what now? First, listen or read to Come as You Are by Emily Nagoski. The topics that resonate with you may be different. For Sandy, it was brakes versus accelerator and needing to release the brakes. For Alex it was increasing joy and pleasure for yourself and your confidence to maximize your pleasure. No shoulds or shame, bring tools to the party like lube and vibrators and find the pleasure that makes you feel your best.